I feel like escaping. I don't want to face things. I want to hide myself but I can't. I dont even know how to, it's not in my character to do so. Every time I get away I find the guilt pulling me back to where I was.

Certain topics suffocate me. I watch people repeat the same sentences over and over again, and
the more they do the less genuine they become. One can see their enthusiasm fading, theyre faces tired and in their eyes one can see no true belief.

I watch the others repeating what they hear with no thinking. They try to convince themselves that all is good when its not, and make me sick with their hypocracy and their lying. They defend what they know is wrong to the extent that they say the most inhumane things and defend those who are most cruel and violent.

I feel week and useless. My line of thought is no longer straight or clear. Instead, all different thoughts jump to my mind, leaving my head buzzing with too much noise and too many pictures.

لبنان

كتب صديق ان هو في هذه الظروف لا يستطيع سوى ان يتذكر أغنية أميمة خليل شوارع بيروت و كتب الكلام

" يا يا يا.. يا شوارع
بيروت الحرب اليومية
يا مدينة يا يا مخزن هم
يا هيصة ووحشة جمرية
كانوا يتباهوا فيكي يناموا في حضن المرايا
وجوهن صفرا تعاديكي وإنتي ست الصبايا
أعز الأهالي
اللي وضعن بالي
ببيوت جواري
خيراتك يا مدينة إلنا نحنا زرعناها
وعالساحة لما نزلنا كلمتنا قلناها
جنوب وشمالي
بواريق بتلالي
وصوات عالعالي
يا يا بيروت"

و رغم ان الأغنية ليست جديدة بالنسبة لي و كثيرا ما استمعت اليها فعندما قرات كلمات الأغنية اردت ان ابكي

There was little I could do

I ate my food between massacres.
The shadow of murder lay upon my sleep.
And when I loved, I loved with indifference.
I looked upon nature with impatience.
So the time passed away
Which on earth was given me. (Bertolt Brecht)

I don't seem to be enjoying anything. A feeling of indifference again which seems to never end. It is no longer a stage, it is a continous feeling that doesnt leave me. I can think of nothing that can give me enjoyment.

All the news seem to add to this feeling, one hears of mass tortures, massacres, imprisonments, children thrown on train tracks ...
when I first hear the news a feeling of numbness and disbelief falls upon me, then I try to imagine what it is like to be in the victim's shoes, but my mind doesnt grasp it and I can only feel some pain. I try to force myself not to think about it and get some peace of mind, when I am able to do so I feel numb again.

With the second piece of news and the third and the fourth... I stop my self from thinking before the pain and before imagining. I block my mind from thinking and go directly to the numbness stage. The feeling of numbness doesnt fade away. I am neither happy nor sad nor in pain, I am just indifferent.

I can't stand the feeling. I must fall in love I think, may be this will fill me with passion. but then how to do so when no one moves me. Just like I feel no pain, I feel no passion. With people I know I care... I cared about him but I could also let him go so easily. I probably didn't care that much... I can't tell anymore.

When I am able to go into the streets and scream that I am unsatisfied, that I am not contempt with what is going on around me, when I can find someone to blame for the massacres and the tortures and the wars, that's when I feel again. When I am able to scream I feel passion again and the numbness fades away, but only for a while and then returns when I stop screaming and realize that nothing has changed. But still I keep on doing this, even when I know that after its over I will realize again that nothing has changed.

people ask 'why do you do so then? Is this not mere stupidity? You put yourself in danger and you waste your time and for what?' well.... Brecht wrote

"In my time streets led to the quicksand.
Speech betrayed me to the slaughterer.
There was little I could do. But without me
The rulers would have been more secure. This was my hope.
So the time passed away
Which on earth was given me."

Yes, if they are less secure I am more satisfied. And am I really wasting my time? Which time do I waste? that which I spend in indifference?