Contradicting Thoughts

He touches me often and kisses my hands. I dont really like it but I dont always mind it. I dont understand why he acts the way he does but I like that he takes care of me.
It angers me when he controls everything but I also like it when things are controled by someone other than myself. I feel relaxed for a moment, free of the responsibilities... then I feel as if I am paralysed with no control over things, and I become tense again.

We tend to ignore discussions, we know where they lead... but he started a political discussion last time for no specific reason... I wonder why? Was he trying to understand something or was he trying to make me understand something?

I feel I am living seperate lives but I dont mind it. I can escape from one life, when I get sick of it, to another. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite and at other times I am simply tired, I feel I am not me and I am exhausted. Sometimes I dont care and I dont change skin with changing places, but then I feel out of place.

With him, I talk without thinking. I dont care what he thinks of me, and he doesnt judge even when its clear that he doesnt like a lot of what I say, think or do.

Dancing

He once told me angrily that it wasnt good to always drink and dance. I, on the other hand, felt that dancing is the remedy, the more frequent I party the more you know that I am not doing so well.

But when I had my first hour of dance learning, dancing was not a way to get out of a bad mood this time, it filled me in. While I danced I lost the feeling of emptiness and indifference and I felt inward calm and saturated. I could no longer judge, I could no longer be angry and I could no longer seperate myself from life and so the feeling of numbness faded away and I felt fully alive for an hour.

عن الأمنيات

لا تقل لي

ليتني بائع خبز في الجزائر

لأغني مع ثائر

لا تقل لي

ليني راعي مواش في اليمن

لأغني لانتفاضات الزمن

لا تقل لي

ليتني عامل مقهى في هفانا

لأغني لانتصارات الحزانى

لا تقل لي

ليتني أعمل في أسوان حمالا صغير

لأغني للصخور

يا صديقي

لن يصب النيل في الفولجا

و لا الكونغو, و لا الأردن, في نهر الفرات

كل نهر, و له نبع.. و مجرى.. و حياة

يا صديقي!.. أرضنا ليست بعاقر

كل أرض, و لها ميلادها

كل فجر, و له موعد ثائر

(محمود درويش)