Thinking

"Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and a lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul. She becomes all outer show and inward emptiness; dull, callous, and indifferent." (Virginia Woolf)

I just read this quote recently and for some reason it didnt leave my mind. I have never really conformed to the wider society I would say. Not out of choice, but simply due to the fact that I have been nurtured differently than the wider society, atleast I would say so. I have actually tried so hard for a long time to conform to the wider society, to imitate the lifestyles of the people I see around me, whether at school or later on at work. Still, I never totally fitted in. Yet, I conformed to one thing; I have become one of the most skilled at hiding what I really think. Gradually, after I have become an expert in showing no signs of inner emotions (no weakness, no pain and hardly any sympathy) but instead being always strong, flickery and fun, I often feel that I am becoming "all outer show and inward emptiness; dull, callous and indifferent"

However, at other times I feel the complete opposite. I am not at all empty but instead this quote explains it, I feel that " My own Brain to me the most unaccountable of machinery- always buzzing, humming, soaring, roaring, diving, and then burried in mud. And Why? Whats this passion for?" (Virginia Woolf)