monsoon

Dreaming of a Holiday

2008-04-22T03:44:00.000-07:00

Its still 12:50, a bit more than 4 hours to go. The office has this anesthetic impact on me, as soon as I enter I feel like sleeping. I have strategies now to pass time quickly. First, I check my emails (both gmail and yahoo addresses) and my facebook account. Second, I search for new online games which I can play together with my coworkers. However, these are all like spoons full of sugar to help the medicine go down. The work however interesting seems boring. There is something about having to sit 8 hours in a closed room. Whether you have too much work or too little it doesnt matter, you are still stuck there! Internet becomes your best friend and your best buddies are those who spend their day on msn. The problem now is, after two years in this office, I have exhausted my relationship with those friends on msn. There is one msn friend who is always talking about which girl he has recently messed up with (most stories are probably exaggerated to make him seem cool). There is my ex-boyfriend (also on msn) who repeatedly asks me, jokingly, when we're planning to get married (me and him), thinks its hilarious and goes on nagging about it for 15 minutes (just as he is doing this very moment).

I AM BORED OF THIS AND I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. Good thing is, I start my holidays on Thursday!!!

2008-01-16T04:13:00.000-08:00

والله تستاهل ياقلبي

ليه تميل ماكنت خالي

أنت اسباب كل كربي

أنت أسباب ما جرى لي

مين بقى اللي حيواسيني

بعد ماانهدت آمالي

إذا كان حظي ناسيني

مين أروح أشكي له حالي

Ahmadinejad visiting Columbia University

2007-09-26T02:09:00.000-07:00

President of Iran Mr. Ahmadinejad was invited by the University of Columbia for an open debate. An American Journalist covering the event said that tickets for his lecture sold more than a Bruce Springsteen concert, that is how big the event was. Reading the whole article, I am not sure which was more unnerving, the journalist's comments, Bollinger's (Head of Columbia University) comments or the comments of some of the students. The article I posted below (which was sent to me by a friend living in the Netherlands) is a perfect example of the problems present in both the mainstream Western, especially American, media and academia.

The article starts with a typical American representation of Ahmadinejad's character as a homophobic Jew hater while disregarding all the other topics and issues of concern which he has talked about, most importantly the Palestinian issue, by starting with the following sentence " He said that there were no homosexuals in Iran — not one — and that the Nazi slaughter of six million Jews should not be treated as fact, but theory, and therefore open to debate and more research." Then the Journalist continues by saying that Ahmadinejad "aired those and other bewildering thoughts", to discover later on in the article that those "other bewildering" thoughts actually include the fate of the Palestinian people, wars waged by America as well as Ahmadinejad's real stand on the Jewish issue (where he refutes the accusation of him being a Jew hater)

However, the journalist got one thing right when he said "his appearance also offered evidence of why he is widely admired in the developing world for his defiance toward Western, especially American, power." but then failed to explain why!! Why does the "developing world" by nature need to defy Western and American "Power", as he put it. I would have preferred to use the word Imperialism instead of Power, then it makes more sense why the Iranian president is gaining popularity.

One of the most important "bewildering" statements the Iranian president has made was that Iran could not recognize Israel "because it is based on ethnic discrimination, occupation and usurpation and it consistently threatens its neighbors" I can imagine that this would indeed be a "bewildering" piece of news for the journalist especially coming out of a president's mouth, since we are all accustomed to the statements of the miserable rulers of our neocolonies (Such as those of our dear president Mubarak). Ahmadinejad also added that "if the Holocaust did occur, the Palestinians should not pay the price for it." A very logical statement, so the man is not too crazy after all!!

Then, very expectedly, comes the very patronizing "we are the, unlike you, liberal Westerners" part where Mr. Bollinger praises himself and Columbia for showing they believed in freedom of speech by inviting the Iranian president. Mr.Bollinger here assumes that he not only represents his own view but that of Columbia, who despite their hate for the Iranian regime and specifically the Iranian president, have accepted his presence because of their strong belief in freedom of speech. Thus, the university is not a neutral body nor is Columbia but they have a political view and a clear political stand BUT will kindly allow "different" views to be included!!!! In that case Columbia's argument was that "it was "well documented" that Iran was a state sponsor of terrorism, accused Iran of fighting a proxy war against the United States in Iraq and questioned why Iran has refused "to adhere to the international standards" of disclosure for its nuclear program."

Ahmadinejad , who is supposedly not acquainted with the manners of freedom of speech, since he "exhibits all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator" as one student put it, replied that "In Iran, tradition requires when you invite a person to be a speaker, we actually respect our students enough to allow them to make their own judgment, and don't think it's necessary before the speech is even given to come in with a series of complaints to provide vaccination to the students and faculty." Never mind if that is true of Iran or not, I dont know, but it definitely is a blow to Mr.Bollinger's patronizing speech.

When asked "Do you or your government seek the destruction of the state of Israel?" he replied "We are friends of the Jews. There are many Jews living peacefully in Iran." That, However, was considered an irrelevant answer of course and according to the journalist the Event Moderator was trying "to get him to stop rambling and answer questions directly." by telling him that he could " answer that question with a simple yes or no." Well, someone who asks a stupid superficial question demands an answer as superficial!!!! As Ahmadinejad said " "You ask the question and then you want the answer the way you want to hear it"

Finally a righteous student ends the debate by saying how proud she is of her university today and that she does not " want to confuse the very dire human rights situation in Iran with the issue here, which is freedom of speech. This is about academic freedom." I wonder what is the use of academic freedom for people who hear the opposite view with a blocked mind. Their only conclusion from this debate was that

1. It was a very big event (even bigger than Bruce Springsteen's concert)
2. Ahmadinejad is a homophobic Jew hater as "we already knew"
3. Americans support freedom of speech

My conclusion was
FUCK Western, especially American, Media!!
This man is brave and deserves respect
Long live the developing world which widely admires him

Ahmadinejad, at Columbia, Parries and Puzzles

Damon Winter/The New York Times

Ahmadinejad, at Columbia, Parries and Puzzles

Damon Winter/The New York Times

By HELENE COOPER

Published: September 25, 2007

He said that there were no homosexuals in Iran — not one — and that the Nazi slaughter of six million Jews should not be treated as fact, but theory, and therefore open to debate and more research.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, aired those and other bewildering thoughts in a two-hour verbal contest at Columbia University yesterday, providing some ammunition to people who said there was no point in inviting him to speak. Yet his appearance also offered evidence of why he is widely admired in the developing world for his defiance toward Western, especially American, power.

In repeated clashes with his hosts, Mr. Ahmadinejad accused the United States of supporting terrorist groups, and characterized as hypocritical American and European efforts to rein in Iran's nuclear ambitions.

"If you have created the fifth generation of atomic bombs and are testing them already, who are you to question other people who just want nuclear power," Mr. Ahmadinejad said, adding, pointedly: "I think the politicians who are after atomic bombs, politically, they're backwards. Retarded."

His speech at Columbia, in advance of his planned speech today at the United Nations, produced a day of intense protests and counterprotests around the campus. It was a performance at once both defiant — he said Iran could not recognize Israel "because it is based on ethnic discrimination, occupation and usurpation and it consistently threatens its neighbors" — and conciliatory — he said he wanted to visit ground zero to "show my respect" for what he called "a tragic event."

And he said that even if the Holocaust did occur, the Palestinians should not pay the price for it.

He began the afternoon on the defensive.

Lee C. Bollinger, the president of Columbia, under intense attack for the invitation — one protester outside the campus auditorium where Mr. Ahmadinejad spoke passed out fliers that said, "Bollinger, too bad bin Laden is not available" — opened the event with a 10-minute verbal assault.

He said, "Mr. President, you exhibit all the signs of a petty and cruel dictator," adding, "You are either brazenly provocative or astonishingly uneducated."

The Iranian president, who was seated 10 feet away from him on the stage, wore a frozen smile. The anti-Ahmadinejad portion of the audience, which looked to be about 70 percent of it, cheered and chortled.

Mr. Bollinger praised himself and Columbia for showing they believed in freedom of speech by inviting the Iranian president, then continued his attack. He said it was "well documented" that Iran was a state sponsor of terrorism, accused Iran of fighting a proxy war against the United States in Iraq and questioned why Iran has refused "to adhere to the international standards" of disclosure for its nuclear program.

"I doubt," Mr. Bollinger concluded, "that you will have the intellectual courage to answer these questions."

Mr. Ahmadinejad did not directly answer the questions, but he did address them. Before doing so though, he said pointedly:

"In Iran, tradition requires when you invite a person to be a speaker, we actually respect our students enough to allow them to make their own judgment, and don't think it's necessary before the speech is even given to come in with a series of complaints to provide vaccination to the students and faculty."

He added, to some cheers, "Nonetheless, I shall not begin by being affected by this unfriendly treatment."

Mr. Ahmadinejad's much-talked-about appearance at Columbia was the opening act of a week of dramatic theater here as the United Nations General Assembly opened its annual session. He and his nemesis, President Bush, are scheduled to address the General Assembly today.

Mr. Bush, asked about Columbia's decision to invite Mr. Ahmadinejad, told Fox News that it was "O.K. with me," but added that he might not have extended the invitation himself.

"When you really think about it," Mr. Bush said, "he's the head of a state sponsor of terror, he's — and yet an institution in our country gives him a chance to express his point of view, which really speaks to the freedoms of the country. I'm not sure I'd have offered the same invitation."

Mr. Ahmadinejad is allowed under international law and diplomatic protocols to travel freely within a 25-mile radius of Columbus Circle. But the police said last week that he would not be allowed near ground zero.

Inside the auditorium, the Columbia students laughed appreciatively when Mr. Ahmadinejad pushed back against the attempts by Dean John H. Coatsworth, the event's moderator, to get him to stop rambling and answer questions directly.

"Do you or your government seek the destruction of the state of Israel?" Mr. Coatsworth asked.

"We love all people," Mr. Ahmadinejad dodged. "We are friends of the Jews. There are many Jews living peacefully in Iran." He went on to say that the Palestinian "nation" should be allowed a referendum to decide its own future.

Mr. Coatsworth persisted: "I think you can answer that question with a simple yes or no."

Mr. Ahmadinejad was having none of it. "You ask the question and then you want the answer the way you want to hear it," he shot back. "I ask you, is the Palestinian issue not a question of international importance? Please tell me yes or no."

For that, he got a round of applause from the students, who had lined up four hours before the speech to get into the auditorium. Online tickets evaporated in 90 minutes last week, they said, almost on par with a Bruce Springsteen concert.

"I'm proud of my university today," said Stina Reksten, a 28-year-old graduate student from Norway. "I don't want to confuse the very dire human rights situation in Iran with the issue here, which is freedom of speech. This is about academic freedom." (just to give themselves credit not to actually listen to what he has to say!!!)

It remains unclear whether Columbia's leaders were able to mollify critics through their critical treatment of Mr. Ahmadinejad. But they made some headway: the American Israel Public Affairs Committee sent out an e-mail message shortly after the speech with the subject line, "A Must Read: Columbia University President's Intro of Iran's Ahmadinejad today."

Inside was a transcript of Mr. Bollinger's introduction.

Steven Lee Myers contributed reporting.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/25/world/middleeast/25iran.html?_r=1&th&emc=th&oref=slogin

2007-03-25T07:17:00.000-07:00

I feel like escaping. I don't want to face things. I want to hide myself but I can't. I dont even know how to, it's not in my character to do so. Every time I get away I find the guilt pulling me back to where I was.

Certain topics suffocate me. I watch people repeat the same sentences over and over again, and
the more they do the less genuine they become. One can see their enthusiasm fading, theyre faces tired and in their eyes one can see no true belief.

I watch the others repeating what they hear with no thinking. They try to convince themselves that all is good when its not, and make me sick with their hypocracy and their lying. They defend what they know is wrong to the extent that they say the most inhumane things and defend those who are most cruel and violent.

I feel week and useless. My line of thought is no longer straight or clear. Instead, all different thoughts jump to my mind, leaving my head buzzing with too much noise and too many pictures.

مش عايزين تعديل دستور .. عايزينك ترحل وتغور

2007-03-22T02:41:00.000-07:00

يوم الاثنين فيه استفتاء على تعديل 34 مادة في الدستور المصري دستور بلدنا اللي بيقول البلد تمشي إزاي وبيحدد حق وواجب كل واحد فينا, التعديلات دي الحزب الوطني عملها بمعرفته .. تعديلات تفصيل على مقاس جمال بيه , عشان محدش يتكلم أو يعترض أو يطالب بحقه أو يرفع راسه , مش كدة وبس كلنا هنكون مهددين في الشارع وفي شغلنا وبيوتنا وأكل عيشنا .

تعديل المادة 179 بيدي الحق لأي أمين شرطة إنه يدخل بيتك ويفتشك ويراقبك ويراقب تيلفونك ويسجلك صوت وصورة ويحبسك وكل ده بمزاجه من غير إذن نيابة ولا دياولو وبعدين يوديك محكمة عسكرية لأنك إرهابي ؛ يعني مفيش حصانة لمحامي ولا صحفي ولا قاضي ؛ يعني مفيش عدل ولا صحافة ولا قانون , وكله بالدستور يا بيه !

أما بقى تعديل المادة 88 فده بيلغي الإشراف القضائي على الانتخابات ويسيبها للداخلية وبتوع " نعم نعم يا مبارك " يطلعوا النتيجة اللي هما عايزينها . التعديلات كمان هتمنع أي مستقل يترشح للرئاسة يعني انكتب علينا وعلى ولادنا رئيس من الحزب إياه لحد ما نموت , ورئيس الجمهورية بقى من حقه يحل مجلس الشعب من غيرحتى ما يستفتي الناس ؛ يعني احنا ننتخب مجلس شعب هو ييجي يحله من دماغة ويطلعلنا لسانه .

يعني من الآخر البلد هتبقى عزبة مبارك وولده , واحنا عبيد وأنفار عندهم مالناش حقوق وكتّر خير ناظر العزبة إنه سايبنا قاعدين .

احنا بقالنا كتير بنتكلم عن الحرية والديمقراطية وحقوق الإنسان والشفافية وتداول السلطة والنهب والفساد والقطارات والعبارات والسرطان والعنوسة والبطالة والفقر والجهل والمرض و عندنا استعداد نفضل نتكلم ونحاول تاني وتالت , بس التعديلات دي هتحرمنا حتى من أبسط حقوقنا كبني آدميين وهو حق الكلام والتعبير, الموضوع مش المعارضة والناس بتوع السياسة بس , الموضوع هيضرنا كلنا , أي حد هيفتح بقه دلوقتي ممكن يبقى إرهابي مفيش حرمة ليه ولا لبيته وعرضه وحريته وكرامته , من حقنا نكون زي كل شعوب الدنيا اللي واخدة حقها والحكام بيشتغلوا موظفين عندها , من حق ولادنا يعيشوا في مصر أحسن من اللي احنا عشنا فيها , كل واحد فينا هيجيله يوم يسأل نفسه أو ولاده هيسألوه كان فين يوم ما البلد اتباعت وبقت تكية لمبارك والعصابة اللي معاه ؟!

دي آخر فرصة نتكلم واحنا لسة بني آدمين نرفض الاستعباد والذل اللي عايزينا نعيش فيه , يمكن تكون دي آخر مرة نقدر ننزل الشارع فيها نعبر عن رأينا ما هو بعد كدة اللي هيتكلم هيبقى إرهابي .

يوم الأحد 25\3 الساعة 6 هنكون كلنا في ميدان التحرير , كل الأحزاب والتيارات والاتجاهات , رجالة وستات , ولاد وبنات , هنبات ليلة في الشارع نقول كلمتنا ونوصل صوتنا ونبقى عملنا جزء من اللي علينا قدام نفسنا وولادنا وقدام ربنا , مهما يعملوا هننزل الشارع ومش هنخاف ومش حنسيب بلدنا عشان احنا أصحابها .
شباب بيحلم ببكرة

لبنان

2007-02-20T04:53:00.000-08:00

كتب صديق ان هو في هذه الظروف لا يستطيع سوى ان يتذكر أغنية أميمة خليل شوارع بيروت و كتب الكلام

" يا يا يا.. يا شوارع
بيروت الحرب اليومية
يا مدينة يا يا مخزن هم
يا هيصة ووحشة جمرية
كانوا يتباهوا فيكي يناموا في حضن المرايا
وجوهن صفرا تعاديكي وإنتي ست الصبايا
أعز الأهالي
اللي وضعن بالي
ببيوت جواري
خيراتك يا مدينة إلنا نحنا زرعناها
وعالساحة لما نزلنا كلمتنا قلناها
جنوب وشمالي
بواريق بتلالي
وصوات عالعالي
يا يا بيروت"

و رغم ان الأغنية ليست جديدة بالنسبة لي و كثيرا ما استمعت اليها فعندما قرات كلمات الأغنية اردت ان ابكي

Contradicting Thoughts

2007-01-28T00:21:00.000-08:00

He touches me often and kisses my hands. I dont really like it but I dont always mind it. I dont understand why he acts the way he does but I like that he takes care of me.
It angers me when he controls everything but I also like it when things are controled by someone other than myself. I feel relaxed for a moment, free of the responsibilities... then I feel as if I am paralysed with no control over things, and I become tense again.

We tend to ignore discussions, we know where they lead... but he started a political discussion last time for no specific reason... I wonder why? Was he trying to understand something or was he trying to make me understand something?

I feel I am living seperate lives but I dont mind it. I can escape from one life, when I get sick of it, to another. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite and at other times I am simply tired, I feel I am not me and I am exhausted. Sometimes I dont care and I dont change skin with changing places, but then I feel out of place.

With him, I talk without thinking. I dont care what he thinks of me, and he doesnt judge even when its clear that he doesnt like a lot of what I say, think or do.

Dancing

2007-01-14T03:41:00.000-08:00

He once told me angrily that it wasnt good to always drink and dance. I, on the other hand, felt that dancing is the remedy, the more frequent I party the more you know that I am not doing so well.

But when I had my first hour of dance learning, dancing was not a way to get out of a bad mood this time, it filled me in. While I danced I lost the feeling of emptiness and indifference and I felt inward calm and saturated. I could no longer judge, I could no longer be angry and I could no longer seperate myself from life and so the feeling of numbness faded away and I felt fully alive for an hour.

عن الأمنيات

2007-01-11T00:53:00.000-08:00

لا تقل لي

ليتني بائع خبز في الجزائر

لأغني مع ثائر

لا تقل لي

ليني راعي مواش في اليمن

لأغني لانتفاضات الزمن

لا تقل لي

ليتني عامل مقهى في هفانا

لأغني لانتصارات الحزانى

لا تقل لي

ليتني أعمل في أسوان حمالا صغير

لأغني للصخور

يا صديقي

لن يصب النيل في الفولجا

و لا الكونغو, و لا الأردن, في نهر الفرات

كل نهر, و له نبع.. و مجرى.. و حياة

يا صديقي!.. أرضنا ليست بعاقر

كل أرض, و لها ميلادها

كل فجر, و له موعد ثائر

(محمود درويش)

The adventures of Peter Pan

2006-12-28T02:00:00.000-08:00

She also said she would give him a kiss if he liked, but Peter did not know what she meant, and he held out his hand expectantly.

"Surely you know what a kiss is?" she asked, aghast.

"I shall know when you give it to me," he replied stiffly, and not to hurt his feeling she gave him a thimble.

"Now," said he, "shall I give you a kiss?" and she replied with a slight primness, "If you please." She made herself rather cheap by inclining her face toward him, but he merely dropped an acorn button into her hand, so she slowly returned her face to where it had been before, and said nicely that she would wear his kiss on the chain around her neck. It was lucky that she did put it on that chain, for it was afterwards to save her life.

When people in our set are introduced, it is customary for them to ask each other's age, and so Wendy, who always liked to do the correct thing, asked Peter how old he was. It was not really a happy question to ask him; it was like an examination paper that asks grammar, when what you want to be asked is Kings of England.

"I don't know," he replied uneasily, "but I am quite young." He really knew nothing about it, he had merely suspicions, but he said at a venture, "Wendy, I ran away the day I was born."

Wendy was quite surprised, but interested; and she indicated in the charming drawing-room manner, by a touch on her night-gown, that he could sit nearer her.

"It was because I heard father and mother," he explained in a low voice, "talking about what I was to be when I became a man." He was extraordinarily agitated now. "I don't want ever to be a man," he said with passion. "I want always to be a little boy and to have fun. So I ran away to Kensington Gardens and lived a long long time among the fairies."

She gave him a look of the most intense admiration, and he thought it was because he had run away, but it was really because he knew fairies. Wendy had lived such a home life that to know fairies struck her as quite delightful. She poured out questions about them, to his surprise, for they were rather a nuisance to him, getting in his way and so on, and indeed he sometimes had to give them a hiding [spanking]. Still, he liked them on the whole, and he told her about the beginning of fairies.

"You see, Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies."

Tedious talk this, but being a stay-at-home she liked it.

"And so," he went on good-naturedly, "there ought to be one fairy for every boy and girl."

"Ought to be? Isn't there?"

"No. You see children know such a lot now, they soon don't believe in fairies, and every time a child says, `I don't believe in fairies,' there is a fairy somewhere that falls down dead."

...........
Everything just as it should be, you see. Off we skip like the most heartless things in the world, which is what children are, but so attractive; and we have an entirely selfish time, and then when we have need of special attention we nobly return for it, confident that we shall be rewarded instead of smacked.

So great indeed was their faith in a mother's love that they felt they could afford to be callous for a bit longer.

But there was one there who knew better, and when Wendy finished he uttered a hollow groan.

"What is it, Peter?" she cried, running to him, thinking he was ill. She felt him solicitously, lower down than his chest. "Where is it, Peter?"

"It isn't that kind of pain," Peter replied darkly.

"Then what kind is it?"

"Wendy, you are wrong about mothers."

They all gathered round him in affright, so alarming was his agitation; and with a fine candour he told them what he had hitherto concealed.

"Long ago," he said, "I thought like you that my mother would always keep the window open for me, so I stayed away for moons and moons and moons, and then flew back; but the window was barred, for mother had forgotten all about me, and there was another little boy sleeping in my bed."

I am not sure that this was true, but Peter thought it was true; and it scared them.

"Are you sure mothers are like that?"

"Yes."

So this was the truth about mothers. The toads!

Still it is best to be careful; and no one knows so quickly as a child when he should give in. "Wendy, let us [let's] go home," cried John and Michael together.

"Yes," she said, clutching them.

"Not to-night?" asked the lost boys bewildered. They knew in what they called their hearts that one can get on quite well without a mother, and that it is only the mothers who think you can't.

"At once," Wendy replied resolutely, for the horrible thought had come to her: "Perhaps mother is in half mourning by this time."

This dread made her forgetful of what must be Peter's feelings, and she said to him rather sharply, "Peter, will you make the necessary arrangements?"

"If you wish it," he replied, as coolly as if she had asked him to pass the nuts.

Not so much as a sorry-to-lose-you between them! If she did not mind the parting, he was going to show her, was Peter, that neither did he.

But of course he cared very much; and he was so full of wrath against grown-ups, who, as usual, were spoiling everything, that as soon as he got inside his tree he breathed intentionally quick short breaths at the rate of about five to a second. He did this because there is a saying in the Neverland that, every time you breathe, a grown-up dies; and Peter was killing them off vindictively as fast as possible.

Expectations

2006-12-27T01:38:00.000-08:00

I spoke to a friend yesterday and he said

" There is nothing wrong if a male friend and a female friend act according to their whims. If they will be both satisfied, I don't see a reason why they should hold it back"

Well... I thought, when I share myself with someone and leave no space for expectations, something dies in me... but then, what expectations are there, if any?

There was little I could do

2006-12-24T23:38:00.000-08:00

I ate my food between massacres.
The shadow of murder lay upon my sleep.
And when I loved, I loved with indifference.
I looked upon nature with impatience.
So the time passed away
Which on earth was given me. (Bertolt Brecht)

I don't seem to be enjoying anything. A feeling of indifference again which seems to never end. It is no longer a stage, it is a continous feeling that doesnt leave me. I can think of nothing that can give me enjoyment.

All the news seem to add to this feeling, one hears of mass tortures, massacres, imprisonments, children thrown on train tracks ...
when I first hear the news a feeling of numbness and disbelief falls upon me, then I try to imagine what it is like to be in the victim's shoes, but my mind doesnt grasp it and I can only feel some pain. I try to force myself not to think about it and get some peace of mind, when I am able to do so I feel numb again.

With the second piece of news and the third and the fourth... I stop my self from thinking before the pain and before imagining. I block my mind from thinking and go directly to the numbness stage. The feeling of numbness doesnt fade away. I am neither happy nor sad nor in pain, I am just indifferent.

I can't stand the feeling. I must fall in love I think, may be this will fill me with passion. but then how to do so when no one moves me. Just like I feel no pain, I feel no passion. With people I know I care... I cared about him but I could also let him go so easily. I probably didn't care that much... I can't tell anymore.

When I am able to go into the streets and scream that I am unsatisfied, that I am not contempt with what is going on around me, when I can find someone to blame for the massacres and the tortures and the wars, that's when I feel again. When I am able to scream I feel passion again and the numbness fades away, but only for a while and then returns when I stop screaming and realize that nothing has changed. But still I keep on doing this, even when I know that after its over I will realize again that nothing has changed.

people ask 'why do you do so then? Is this not mere stupidity? You put yourself in danger and you waste your time and for what?' well.... Brecht wrote

"In my time streets led to the quicksand.
Speech betrayed me to the slaughterer.
There was little I could do. But without me
The rulers would have been more secure. This was my hope.
So the time passed away
Which on earth was given me."

Yes, if they are less secure I am more satisfied. And am I really wasting my time? Which time do I waste? that which I spend in indifference?

Poor Fellows

2006-12-19T01:03:00.000-08:00

What it takes on this planet,
to make love to each other in peace.
Everyone pries under your sheets,
everyone interferes with your loving.
They say terrible things about a man and a woman,
who after much milling about,
all sorts of compunctions,
do something unique,
they both lie with each other in one bed.
I ask myself whether frogs are so furtive,
or sneeze as they please.
Whether they whisper to each other in swamps about illegitimate frogs,
or the joys of amphibious living.
I ask myself if birds single out enemy birds,
or bulls gossip with bullocks before they go out in public with cows.
Even the roads have eyes and the parks their police.
Hotels spy on their guests,
windows name names,
canons and squadrons debark on missions to liquidate love.
All those ears and those jaws working incessantly,
till a man and his girl
have to raise their climax,
full tilt,
on a bicycle.

(Pablo Neruda)

Thinking

2006-12-18T04:33:00.000-08:00

"Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and a lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul. She becomes all outer show and inward emptiness; dull, callous, and indifferent." (Virginia Woolf)

I just read this quote recently and for some reason it didnt leave my mind. I have never really conformed to the wider society I would say. Not out of choice, but simply due to the fact that I have been nurtured differently than the wider society, atleast I would say so. I have actually tried so hard for a long time to conform to the wider society, to imitate the lifestyles of the people I see around me, whether at school or later on at work. Still, I never totally fitted in. Yet, I conformed to one thing; I have become one of the most skilled at hiding what I really think. Gradually, after I have become an expert in showing no signs of inner emotions (no weakness, no pain and hardly any sympathy) but instead being always strong, flickery and fun, I often feel that I am becoming "all outer show and inward emptiness; dull, callous and indifferent"

However, at other times I feel the complete opposite. I am not at all empty but instead this quote explains it, I feel that " My own Brain to me the most unaccountable of machinery- always buzzing, humming, soaring, roaring, diving, and then burried in mud. And Why? Whats this passion for?" (Virginia Woolf)